Source: Bloomberg
- Massive Filing: Nearly 400 people who received pardons or clemency from President Trump for their involvement in the Jan. 6, 2021, attack on the US Capitol are now seeking millions of dollars in federal payouts.
- Tort Claims: Attorney Mark McCloskey delivered five bankers' boxes of claims to the Justice Department, seeking between $1 million and $10 million for each client for alleged injuries and property damage sustained during their arrest, prosecution, and imprisonment.
- Pattern Emerging: This mass filing follows the government's $5 million settlement with the family of Ashli Babbitt and comes as the Justice Department is in settlement talks with former Trump allies Michael Flynn and Stefan Passantino over their claims for taxpayer funds.
Morty Gold
//consummate curmudgeon// //cardigan rage// //petty grievances// //get off my lawn// //ex-new yorker//
▶️ Listen to Morty's Micro Bio"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?! They broke into the Capitol, assaulted 140 police officers, got a full-on presidential pardon, and now they want to be PAID for it?! PAID! I taught high schoolers for forty years, and if a kid vandalized the cafeteria, I suspended him—I didn't give him ten million dollars for the "emotional trauma" of having to come to school the next day!
THIS IS NOT COMPLICATED! You break something, you fix it! You don't demand a check from the owner because your fist hurt after you punched a window! Now we have Mark McCloskey, who already pointed a rifle at his neighbors, wheeling in five boxes of claims like he's returning bad soup. We deserve this. All of it. (I'm going to bed.)
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Sheila Sharpe
//smiling assassin// //gender hypocrisy// //glass ceiling//
▶️ Listen to Sheila's Micro Bio"Bless their hearts, they really think being pardoned means they weren't guilty. Here's the thing: a presidential pardon doesn't erase the fact that you assaulted a police officer; it just erases the punishment. The legal basis for the prosecution remains entirely intact.
I'm so glad they're attempting to use the Federal Tort Claims Act to pursue damages for being arrested, because this is precisely where the system is supposed to separate fact from political performance. We have pardoned people demanding millions for the legal consequences of actions that injured 140 police officers. Is that the America we're building? Or is it a government where breaking the law comes with an optional seven-figure settlement? I’ll wait. Just a thought!"
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Blake's Roast: 🔥
"Sheila Sharpe's rhetorical question—'Is the America we're building?'—implies she is still attempting to build something, whereas everyone else just assumed the foundation had entirely given way to termites and political corruption."
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Frankie Truce
//smug contrarian// //performative outrage// //whisky walrus// //cynic//
▶️ Listen to Frankie's Micro Bio"If the president himself declared it a 'grave national injustice,' the plaintiffs have an open invitation to file for damages. The REAL hypocrisy here is from the people who will only criticize the plaintiffs but not the administration that politically validated their claim.
The system is set up to reward opportunism—Thurston could tell you that. And another thing—$1 million to $10 million is the starting point. Why are we surprised that people are taking advantage of a system that rewards the loudest, most politically connected players?
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Blake's Roast: 🔥
"While he's technically correct that the presidential validation is an invitation, Frankie's intellectual honesty evaporates the moment he has to admit that the 'loudest, most politically connected players' are the ones he secretly wants to be."
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Nigel Sterling
//prince of paperwork// //pivot table perv// //beautiful idiots// //fine print// //spreadsheet stooge// //right then//
▶️ Listen to Nigel's Micro Bio"Right, so—let's discuss this notion of "grave national injustice," because the empirical evidence on political prosecutions is rather fascinating. According to the literature (Brodie, 2017; The Proceduralization of Clemency), a pardon is explicitly an executive act of mercy, not a legal determination of innocence. The data are quite clear that the claimant must demonstrate negligence, wrongful act, or omission by the government employee.
Being arrested for entering a federal building while Congress is in session doesn't constitute negligence; it constitutes policing. The whole thing is a rather brilliant, if structurally unsound, legal bluff intended to force a low-cost settlement (see: Passantino, Flynn). (Forgive me, I'm going too fast.) The legal precedent is simply not there for mass liability claims based only on the fact of prosecution.
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Blake's Roast: 🔥
"Nigel’s analysis, dense with citations and legal statutes, is designed to prove that the only thing more “structurally unsound” than the legal claims is his own social life, which is supported only by the literature of three think tanks."
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Dina Brooks
//church shade// //side-eye// //plain talk// //exasperated// //mmm-hmm//
▶️ Listen to Dina's Micro Bio"Mm-mm. Nope. They want millions of dollars because they got arrested after breaking into the U.S. Capitol? Let me tell you something. I worked THREE JOBS for twenty years to put my children through school, and I had to beg for time off to take my son to the emergency room, but these folks are claiming "property damage" because the law came down on them. Baby, no.
You know who deserves a settlement? The 140 police officers who were assaulted. They're the ones with the injuries, the lost wages, and the emotional trauma. They got pardoned—they got a golden ticket out of jail—and now they want a check for the inconvenience of facing the consequences of their own actions. We're talking about millions from taxpayer funds. MY taxpayer funds! I'm TIRED. We didn't fight for this country to turn into a free-for-all for entitled people who mistake lawlessness for patriotism. Don't play with me.
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Blake's Roast: 🔥
"Dina’s righteous anger at the injustice of the claim is completely valid, though one suspects she could take all 400 claimants herself with just a firm handshake and her side-eye game."
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Thurston Gains
//calm evil// //deductible denier// //greed is good// //land shark//
▶️ Listen to Thurston's Micro Bio"From a capital allocation perspective, this is a brilliant strategy. Let me walk you through the math. The government has already set a $5 million liability floor with the Ashli Babbitt settlement. Now you have 400 claims, each seeking $1 million to $10 million. That's a potential $400 million to $4 billion exposure. The arbitrage opportunity here is that the Department of Justice cannot afford the discovery costs and political spectacle of defending 400 individual lawsuits, regardless of merit.
They will calculate the cost of a quiet, low-seven-figure settlement—say, $250,000 to $500,000 per person—versus the cost of litigation. The former is a rational, tax-advantaged solution for the government. The incentive structure here rewards volume and political noise over legal standing. It's not a bug; it's a feature of institutional risk management. Nothing personal—it's just economics. Their lawyer has fiduciary responsibility to exploit this systemic vulnerability."
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Blake's Roast: 🔥
"Thurston’s description of exploiting government inertia for billions as a 'brilliant strategy' is exactly what you would expect from a private equity ghoul who views all human suffering as a discounted future cash flow."
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Wade Truett
//working man's math// //redneck philosopher// //blue-collar truth//
▶️ Listen to Wade's Micro Bio"You know what this reminds me of? It’s like when you’re building a shed, and you use warped wood and cheap nails, and then the first storm comes, and the whole thing blows down. You don't sue the storm, do you? You look at your materials and your workmanship and say, 'I screwed up.' These folks went up to the Capitol, did a slapdash, half-baked job of protesting, and now they want a check for the structural failure of their own plan.
My grandpa used to say, 'The only thing a bad carpenter blames is his tools.' It's like when you're welding—you get the heat wrong, you scrap the metal. You don't try to send the bad weld to the customer with an invoice for your burnt knuckles."
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Blake's Roast: 🔥
"Wade's analogy of the Jan. 6 attack being like a poorly built shed that blew down is a remarkably understated way of describing an attempted coup, as if the whole thing was merely a shoddy DIY project."
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Bex Nullman
//web developer// //20-something// //doom coder// //lowercase//
▶️ Listen to Bex's Micro Bio"lmao we're so cooked. like literally though, this is the most american thing ever. you can assault a federal officer, get pardoned for it by a president who loves chaos, and then file a lawsuit for $10 million for the "inconvenience" of being arrested. my therapist says i need to stop internalizing political failure, but like, HOW?!
this isn't failure; it's the new success metric: get arrested, get pardoned, get PAID. the rest of us are out here working two gig jobs to pay off student debt and these people are getting a taxpayer bailout for trying to overturn an election. the vibes are SO bad. anyway we're all gonna die and the new elite will be the people who successfully sue the government for their own treason. i simply cannot.
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Blake's Roast: 🔥
"Bex Nullman, the only person to correctly identify the claims as the 'new success metric,' perfectly frames the American Dream as an inverted pyramid scheme where punishment is simply a lucrative, tax-free investment."
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Sidney Stein
▶️ Listen to Sidney's Micro Bio"The president filed an administrative claim seeking $230 million. Now, almost 400 of his pardoned allies are seeking up to $10 million each. The bylaws CLEARLY state a claim must be based on a clearly articulable injury. If we allow the executive branch to simply declare a prosecution a 'grave national injustice' and immediately open the Treasury to all defendants, we undermine the entire separation of powers doctrine!
This is EXACTLY why we have due process—it protects the process, not just the individual. What's next? I'm sorry, but rules are rules. I'll be writing a strongly worded letter to the Institute for Constitutional Advocacy and Protection. This is unacceptable.
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Blake's Roast: 🔥
"Sidney's outrage at the threat to the "separation of powers doctrine" is deeply felt, but his real concern is the administrative nightmare of processing 400 claims without a properly formatted cover sheet."
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Dr. Mei Lin Santos
//cortisol spiker// //logic flatlined// //diagnosis drama queen//
▶️ Listen to Mei Lin's Micro Bio"Okay, so they’re claiming “lost everything,” including the ability to travel freely. Here's what worries me: lost everything is a symptom of severe psychological distress and potentially, a total breakdown of social support. We're talking about a massive group trauma response, but instead of evidence-based therapy, they’re seeking cash. Cash doesn’t fix PTSD or chronic pain!
Do you know what happens when mass political mobilization ends in collective arrest and a highly publicized pardon? The underlying rage and anxiety don't just disappear; they manifest as somatic complaints—headaches, chronic back pain, GI issues. And a $10 million windfall won't fix that—it will just buy more resources to ignore the underlying pathology. (stress-drinks coffee)."
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Blake's Roast: 🔥
"Mei Lin's clinical panic about the claimants treating their political rage with a cash settlement is the perfect encapsulation of a Nurse Practitioner who knows the exact ICD-10 code for 'monetized psychosis.'"
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Omar Khan
//innocent observer// //confused globalist// //pop culture hook// //bruh//
▶️ Listen to Omar's Micro Bio"Wait, I’m sorry—WHAT? You’re telling me that nearly 400 people who stormed the country's legislature are now trying to sue the government for $1 billion to $4 billion of taxpayer money? Let me make sure I understand this: you committed a crime, you got pardoned for the crime, and now you’re asking for compensation for the inconvenience of the legal system working. How is this legal?!
Every other developed country figured this out. The UK doesn't compensate Brexit protesters for being arrested. Germany doesn't pay neo-Nazis for emotional distress! You people don't have a basic understanding of consequences?! You’re telling me that breaking the law in America is now a lucrative career path, provided you have the right political connections? I don't understand this country.
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Blake's Roast: 🔥
"Omar Khan, the Confused Globalist, perfectly summarizes the American legal system as an economic opportunity for the politically connected, a fact that baffles him more than a three-hour cricket match."
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Veronica Thorne
//ivy league snob// //status flex// //trust fund tyrant// //out-of-touch oligarch//
▶️ Listen to Veronica's Micro Bio"I’ve been thinking about this mass filing, and honestly, I'm confused why the claims are only for $1 million to $10 million. If you’ve truly lost your entire professional life and the respect of your peers—which is so important—then the claim should be for far more. Have they considered asking for $50 million?
After all, my charity gala last month raised $2 million for housing insecurity, so I’m VERY passionate about people's financial struggles. It's really quite simple: if you have a valid tort claim, you should maximize the payout. Why don't they just hire a more aggressive law firm? The Justice Department is clearly settling high-profile cases like the Babbitt family's claim, so the appetite is there. It’s about leveraging the systemic opportunity.
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Blake's Roast: 🔥
The only thing more appalling than the claims themselves is Veronica’s belief that her 'charity gala for housing insecurity' somehow qualifies her to offer advice on suing the government for sedition-related injuries.
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Coach Ned
//toxic optimist// //gaslighting guru// //character development//
▶️ Listen to Coach Ned's Micro Bio"Listen up, team! So we’ve got nearly 400 people who faced a challenge, got knocked down, and now they’re back on the field fighting for a score! Sure, the 'grave national injustice' narrative is tough, but what do champions do? They turn the negative into a POSITIVE! Winners never quit, quitters never win! Filing those claims? That’s called GRIT! That's called giving 110%!
They're demanding millions, and you know what? Shoot for the moon, because even if you miss, you'll land among the stars! Don't let the naysayers tell you that you can't get compensated for your legal woes! This is about HUSTLE! They're leveraging the system! Now let's get out there and DOMINATE this Federal Tort Claims Act! (blows whistle).
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Blake's Roast: 🔥
"Coach Ned's ability to reframe a mass filing for damages after an attempted coup as merely a demonstration of 'Hustle' and 'Grit' is a level of toxic optimism that should be studied by motivational speakers everywhere."
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Blake Names Winner: "It pains me deeply to ever declare Thurston the winner of...anything. But...Thurston’s financial calculation of the $4 billion exposure is the most amoral analysis possible, viewing the entire thing as a simple line item on the nation's balance sheet. He is correct that the government’s fiduciary responsibility is to minimize risk, and apparently, the cheapest way to minimize political risk is to write a big check."
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Thurston Gains: "I still believe that the monetization of a political injury is an elegant display of leveraging non-cashable public sentiment into a very tangible financial asset. What I've learned is the highest and best use of political capital is a tax-advantaged civil settlement. Wait, did I just admit my life has no moral center?! It's not a bug, it's a feature."
