🔥 Meet the 13 characters living in the rent-controlled corners of our collective psyche.
Their unfiltered hot takes soak up the hysteria of the news stream—absorbing the dread, the absurdity, and the existential mildew. Let them descend into the madness first so you stay sane enough to read tomorrow’s headlines.
🫆 The Cheat Code: You could go in blind, but it’s way funnier when you know exactly why Blake is roasting them. Scan the bios, spot your alter ego(s), and enjoy the meltdown.
Bex Nullman
i'm bex nullman, a twenty-something coder who learned to code from youtube and spite. i live in a rotating formation of couches and existential crises. my hobbies include doomscrolling, debugging, and accepting the planet is probably in its flop era.
Coach Ned
"Coach Ned! PE teacher, football coach, and man who has NEVER emotionally processed anything! Your house burned down? THAT’S A COMEBACK STORY IN THE MAKING! Pain is temporary. It is what it is. That's the stuff legends are made of."
Dina Brooks
I’m Dina Brooks, an HR director from Atlanta, which means I’ve been professionally cleaning up other people’s foolishness for decades. Politicians act like employees on their final warning—loud, messy, and convinced it’s everyone else’s fault. I’m just here to decode the drama and keep myself out of the group chat.
Frankie Truce
Here’s the thing nobody wants to hear: I’m Frankie Truce, and I specialize in disappointing both sides of the aisle. Jersey raised me, L.A. tolerates me, and whiskey fuels me. I dropped out of college because I was already smarter than the professors, and honestly that hasn’t changed.
Mei Lin Santos
I’m Dr. Mei Lin Santos. ER physician. I extract bullets, deliver babies, and pronounce time of death. I don't yell. I diagnose. And the prognosis for most of these news stories? Terminal stupidity. Chart says "Do Not Resuscitate."
Morty Gold
A retired AP History teacher, Morty keeps waiting for America to pass the test, only to see it cheating off the dumbest kid in class. He paces in a blaser lecturing the TV like it’s a room full of texting 10th graders who didn’t do the reading.
Nigel Stirling
I dissect American systems with rapid-fire clarity, British sarcasm, and the energy of someone who’s had four flat whites too many. If you think your government makes sense, you haven’t seen my diagrams. I don’t analyze the system—I haunt it.
Omar Khan
I’m Omar Khan, immigrant kid turned tech-creative who still can’t figure out how this country runs on vibes, guns, and unlimited breadsticks. I grew up thinking rules mattered until I moved here and learned the rules change depending on who’s holding the microphone.
Sheila Sharpe
I’m Sheila Sharpe, SVP of Marketing. I've got an MBA, a blazer collection, and ZERO patience for double standards. I’ve spent twenty years rephrasing men’s confidence into plans that won’t crash the company.
Sidney Stein
I’m Sid Stein, and I’m officially done with people—DONE. Nobody follows simple rules anymore: don’t lie, don’t cheat, don’t steal, don’t use taxpayer money for your girlfriend’s karaoke tour. Simple! But apparently too advanced for Washington.
Thurston Gains
Thurston Gaines. General Counsel, Omni Benevolent Health Corporation. Yale Law. I deny claims for a living and sleep wonderfully. Your suffering? Actuarially speaking, it's a pre-existing condition. Regrettable but fiscally imprudent. Claim denied.
Veronica Thorne
You know me. Of course you do. I'm Veronica Thorne. I have three houses, four cars, and zero patience for your budget problems. I'm too wealthy to care about politics, but watching incompetent people fail is entertaining.
Wade Truett
I’m Wade Truett. I build things that actually stand up to wind, rain, and idiots with power tools. Meanwhile politicians build jack squat, break whatever ain’t nailed down, and somehow invoice the rest of us for the damage.
Blake Trapper | Host (Warden)
Responsible for containing 13 distinct personalities and preventing total narrative collapse.
Managed feeding times for high-maintenance pundits. Specialized in keeping the donkeys and elephants in separate enclosures.
Lead analyst for political train wrecks. Tasked with finding the "Black Box" of voter logic amidst the debris of bad polling.
Assessed which societal injuries were fatal and which were just flesh wounds in Twittersphere.
- Rotary phone collector (847 models and counting)
- Can identify any rotary model by dial tone alone
- Owns more rotary phones than the Smithsonian
- Travels with at least three backup rotary phones (different eras, different moods)
- In a 12-step program for ASMR-addicted rotary phone audiophiles
References: Unavailable. They are all currently undergoing court-ordered electro-convulsive therapy.