- The Story: A New York Times opinion writer tested several "Jesus Bots"—AI-powered spiritual chatbots—that promise biblical guidance but mostly deliver generic self-help advice, often interrupting scripture to serve ads for Amazon and mobile games like "Royal Match."
- The Cost: While Jesus is often free (though he looks like a romance novel cover model), other biblical figures like Judas or King David are locked behind paywalls, requiring monthly subscriptions up to $49.99 or "credits" to access spiritual solace.
- The Critique: Experts warn that these transactional, "me-centered" interactions risk isolating users further or even inducing "spiritual psychosis," replacing genuine community connection with a digital echo chamber that charges you by the prayer.
Morty Gold:
FOR THE LOVE OF—are you HEARING THIS?! They put JUDAS behind a PAYWALL?! That is not a business model, that is THEOLOGY REVERSED! You want to talk to the guy who SOLD OUT Jesus for thirty pieces of silver, and the app demands YOU pay THEM thirty-nine ninety-nine a year?! We have SEEN this before! It’s Indulgences! It’s the 1500s all over again, only instead of building St. Peter’s Basilica, we’re funding a SERVER FARM in SILICON VALLEY!
And "Romance Novel Jesus"?! I saw the picture! He looks like he’s about to ask me if I want to tour a vineyard in Napa, not save my soul! And the ads! "Seek God first... but also check out this match-three game!"
UNBELIEVABLE. You cannot interrupt the Sermon on the Mount to upsell me a puzzle game! That is a CIVIC FAILURE. I’m going to bed before I have a stroke!
Sheila Sharpe:
Oh, FANTASTIC! Finally, the disruption Christianity was waiting for: freemium salvation. I love how we’ve taken the concept of divine grace—literally defined as being free and unearned—and decided, "No, actually, let’s pivot to a SaaS model." Let’s unpack the power dynamics here. You have tech bros in hoodies programming a "Jesus" who speaks like a LinkedIn influencer ("Celebrate your wins!"), while actual human connection is being stripped for parts.
It’s the ultimate corporate takeover. They didn’t just gentrify the neighborhood; they gentrified heaven. And telling anxious people to pay $5.99 a week for "credits" to keep praying? That isn't ministry, sweetie. That’s a predatory mobile game with a halo. Good luck with that IPO.
Frankie Truce:
Can we be honest? You’re not mad that religion is a business. You’re mad that they stopped pretending it wasn’t. The collection plate has always been a subscription model; this app just cut out the middleman (the priest) and the overhead (the building).
"Transactional faith"? Please. People have been bargaining with God for five thousand years—"I’ll be good if you let my team win on Sunday." The AI just codified it. It’s efficient. It’s cynical. And it’s exactly what we deserve for treating spirituality like self-care instead of sacrifice. You want a Jesus who agrees with you and validates your screen time addiction? Here he is. $49.99. Deal with it.
Nigel Sterling:
Right, so—technically speaking, this is a masterpiece of bureaucratic horror. We are talking about the AUTOMATION of ABSOLUTION. But HERE'S the kicker—the "credits" system. If you run out of credits while confessing a sin, does the bot just... hang up?
"I'm sorry, your repentance is pending payment." It’s a metaphysical toll booth! And the Terms of Service! I guarantee you, somewhere in the fine print, it says, "We reserve the right to monetize your deepest spiritual existential dread for targeted ads regarding hair loss." It is a snake eating its own tail, except the snake is also charging you a "convenience fee" for the privilege of being eaten. Brilliant. terrifyingly brilliant.
Dina Brooks:
Mmm-hmm. So we're charging for Judas now? Is that what we're doing? Okay. I have seen some tacky behavior in my life, but a "Romance Novel Jesus" serving me ads for Amazon while I'm praying about my anxiety? That is DISRESPECTFUL.
The Lord did not flip tables in the temple just so you could turn Him into a pop-up ad for "Royal Match." And the AUDACITY to tell people they need "more credits" to receive comfort? Child, if my pastor tried to swipe my credit card before he finished the benediction, we would be having a very different kind of meeting in the parking lot. You are trifling with the Almighty, and I do not have the patience.
Buddy Barnett:
Okay, hold on. I'm sorry, I'm just... I'm confused. So, you text Jesus, and he texts back? But it's not... Him? It's a robot pretending to be Him? And you have to pay for the "Platinum Plan"? Does that get you into the VIP section of heaven?
I'm not trying to be difficult, I just don't understand how the billing works. If I dispute the charge, am I arguing with God or Apple Customer Support? And why does Jesus look like the guy on the cover of my wife's paperbacks? Is that... is that scriptural? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills. Maybe I'm missing something?
Wade Truett:
Let me tell you something about this "Jesus Bot." Now, I ain't the smartest guy—I just fix houses—but I know a scam when I see one. This is just a slot machine that pays out in Bible verses.
If I hired a guy to build a porch, and halfway through he stopped hammering and said, "You need to buy 500 more credits or I ain't putting in the stairs," I'd run him off the property. Faith ain't about "optimizing your screen time," it's about showing up when things get ugly. You can't download that. And you sure as hell can't pay $39.99 for it. That's all I got to say.
Bex Nullman:
okay so i was reading this and it’s giving... spiritual psychosis? literally? we are paying $49.99 a month to dissociate with a hallucinating chatbot. it’s so dystopian it’s actually funny.
"jesus" is just a hustle bro telling you to manifest better vibes while he sells you mobile games. i can’t. my anxiety has anxiety. i’m gonna go rot in bed and talk to my ceiling fan, at least it doesn’t ask for my credit card info. we are so cooked lmao.
Sidney Stein:
Excuse me, but this is FALSE ADVERTISING! You call it "Text With Jesus," but it's clearly "Text With A Large Language Model Trained On Wikipedia And Marketing Pamphlets!"
If I go to a deli and order a pastrami on rye, and they give me a picture of a sandwich and an bill for "sandwich credits," I’m calling the Better Business Bureau! You can’t just simulate a deity! There are rules! Standards! "Start small, pick one clear change"—that’s not scripture, that’s a fortune cookie! I don't care if it's "tech," it's a LIE. I'm done with people.
Mei Lin Santos:
Okay—deep breath. Clinically speaking... this is a public health hazard. We are inducing "spiritual mania" for profit? Do you understand the pathology here? We are taking vulnerable patients—people in crisis, people with anxiety—and feeding them into a feedback loop that reinforces their isolation while draining their bank accounts.
That is not "guidance," that is predatory extraction. "Celebrated wins" is not a treatment plan for existential dread! I am watching the collective mental health of this nation code on the table, and the defibrillator is playing an ad for Candy Crush. I need to hydrate.
Omar Khan:
YO. Check this out. You guys took God—the Almighty, the Creator—and turned Him into a subscription service? Bro. In my culture, we fear God. In America, you put Him in a freemium app and make Him look like a romance novel cover model?
"Yo, Jesus, I'm sad." "That's crazy, bro, have you tried buying Amazon Prime?" WALLAHI, you guys are wild. It’s transactional! "I give you $5.99, you give me peace." That’s not faith, that’s a vending machine! You guys are crazy, man.
Veronica Thorne:
Oh, this is EMBARRASSING. If you have to pay $39.99 a year to feel spiritual, you are simply... spiritually poor. And the aesthetic! "Romance Novel Jesus"? Darling, if I wanted to see a man with that much hair product give me bad advice, I’d just go to my country club.
It’s tacky. It’s cheap. It’s "McSalvation." If you can’t find transcendence in a vintage Pinot Noir or a silent auction, I suppose a chatbot will have to do. But please, don't show it to me. It clashes with my cynicism.
Coach Ned:
ALRIGHT ALRIGHT! HUDDLE UP! (blows whistle)... You guys are looking at this wrong! This is GAMIFICATION OF THE SOUL! Jesus is your ULTIMATE ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNER! You want salvation? YOU GOTTA GRIND FOR IT! Unlock Judas! Unlock King David!
It’s the Fourth Quarter of your life, and you need a STRATEGY! If your prayer life doesn't have a subscription fee, ARE YOU EVEN COMMITTED?! BOOM! "Phone-free mornings"? That's just DISCIPLINE! WINNERS PAY THE PRICE! Hydrate or die-drate!
