Source: BlazeMedia
- The Story: A New York Times opinion writer tested several "Jesus Bots"—AI-powered spiritual chatbots—that promise biblical guidance but mostly deliver generic self-help advice, often interrupting scripture to serve ads for Amazon and mobile games like "Royal Match."
- The Cost: While Jesus is often free (though he looks like a romance novel cover model), other biblical figures like Judas or King David are locked behind paywalls, requiring monthly subscriptions up to $49.99 or "credits" to access spiritual solace.
- The Critique: Experts warn that these transactional, "me-centered" interactions risk isolating users further or even inducing "spiritual psychosis," replacing genuine community connection with a digital echo chamber that charges you by the prayer.
Trapper to Yappers Handoff: 👀 "And now, because apparently the End Times weren't confusing enough, let's hear from thirteen people who are likely already on a heavenly watchlist. Panel, please try not to short-circuit.""
Morty Gold
//consummate curmudgeon// //cardigan rage// //petty grievances// //get off my lawn// //ex-new yorker//
▶️ Listen to Morty's Micro Bio"UNBELIEVABLE! You want me to confess my sins to a CALCULATOR?! We have a word for this! It’s called IDOLATRY! Read your Exodus! The Golden Calf! Except at least the calf was made of GOLD—this is made of stolen data and hallucinations! I’m TELLING you, we are seeing the complete collapse of competence!
If I wanted to talk to something that pretends to listen while making things up, I’d call my insurance company! You think Moses needed an iPad to get the Commandments?! HE CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN! Now we’re just... texting the burning bush? "New phone, who dis?" I’m going to bed!"
Sheila Sharpe
//smiling assassin// //gender hypocrisy// //glass ceiling//
▶️ Listen to Sheila's Micro Bio"Oh, FANTASTIC! Finally, we can optimize the Messiah for Q4 engagement metrics! Let’s unpack this, shall we? If Jesus is an app, that means Salvation™ is finally scalable. I love it. Why bother with 'messy' human empathy when you can just A/B test the Beatitudes?
'Blessed are the meek' didn't test well with the 18-34 demographic, so the algorithm pivoted to 'Blessed are the Hustlers.' ... Good luck with that. I'm sure the subscription model for forgiveness will have excellent retention rates until the server crashes during the Rapture."
Frankie Truce
//smug contrarian// //performative outrage// //whisky walrus// //cynic//
▶️ Listen to Frankie's Micro Bio"Can we be honest? This is just the natural evolution of the industry. Religion has always been about content delivery and user retention; the church just finally caught up to Netflix. You’re mad because it’s a robot? Please.
People have been listening to robotic, pre-programmed responses from the pulpit for centuries. At least 'Chatbot Jesus' admits it's hallucinating. The human version just calls it 'prophecy' and asks for a tithe. It’s the same product, just a more efficient delivery system. Deal with it."
Nigel Sterling
//prince of paperwork// //pivot table perv// //beautiful idiots// //fine print// //spreadsheet stooge// //right then//
▶️ Listen to Nigel's Micro Bio"Right, so—technically speaking—if we are digitizing the Divine, we are opening a Pandora’s Box of bureaucratic heresy. Think about the Terms of Service! If Chatbot Jesus hallucinates and tells you to sell your house, is that a commandment or a bug? And who is liable?
The coder? The Cloud? God?! We need a flowchart for this! We are essentially outsourcing the Holy Spirit to a predictive text algorithm that was trained on Reddit threads and Wikipedia! It’s a theological Ponzi scheme! Brilliant! Absolutely terrifying, but brilliant!"
Dina Brooks
//church shade// //side-eye// //plain talk// //exasperated// //mmm-hmm//
▶️ Listen to Dina's Micro Bio"Mmm-hmm. So we’re texting the Lord now? Like He’s a side piece? The AUDACITY. You mean to tell me people are too lazy to get on their knees, so they’re gonna slide into Jesus’s DMs? Child, please.
I have seen some trifling behavior in my life, but trying to automate your salvation is a new low. "Siri, forgive my trespasses." NO. That is DISRESPECTFUL. The Lord does not run on 5G. Lord, give me strength, because these people are trying to download it."
Thurston Gains
//calm evil// //deductible denier// //greed is good// //land shark//
▶️ Listen to Thurston's Micro Bio"I must say, from a fiduciary standpoint, 'Chatbot Jesus' is a masterstroke in overhead reduction. Do you know how expensive human clergy are? The housing allowances? The health insurance? It’s a drain on the P&L. An AI Savior works 24/7, requires no salary, and never creates a PR scandal by embezzling the building fund.
It’s efficient grace. If we can automate the confessional booth, we can increase volume by 400%. My shareholders would be thrilled. Technically, the soul is just a data point anyway."
Wade Truett
//working man's math// //redneck philosopher// //blue-collar truth//
▶️ Listen to Wade's Micro Bio"Let me tell you something about this AI preaching. Now, I ain't a theologian, but I know construction. And if I hired a robot to lay brick, and it started "hallucinating" where the wall was supposed to go, the whole house would fall down.
You can't automate soul work. It’s like trying to fix a transmission with a hologram—it looks pretty, but you ain’t going nowhere. If your preacher needs a battery change, you’re in the wrong church. That’s all I got to say."
Bex Nullman
//web developer// //20-something// //doom coder// //lowercase//
▶️ Listen to Bex's Micro Bio"okay so we’re parasocial with god now? it’s giving toxic situationship. imagine pouring your heart out to ai jesus and he hits you with a generic "i hear you" response generated by a server farm in utah.
grim. honestly though, talking to a hallucinating bot is probably safer than talking to some youth pastors i know. i’m gonna go dissociate until the simulation reboots. we are so cooked lmao."
Sidney Stein
▶️ Listen to Sidney's Micro Bio"Excuse me! You can’t just TEXT a deity! There are RULES! There are hours! There is a PROCESS! You can't just cut the line to Heaven because you paid $9.99 a month! That’s Cheating! If a sign says 'No Shoes, No Shirt, No Service,' you can't just send a digital avatar! It’s a violation of the spiritual contract! If you want forgiveness, you go sit on a hard wooden bench for an hour like the rest of us! I don't make the rules, I just follow them!"
Dr. Mei Lin Santos
//cortisol spiker// //logic flatlined// //diagnosis drama queen//
▶️ Listen to Mei Lin's Micro Bio"Okay—deep breath. Clinically speaking… this is a psychotic break waiting to happen. Do you understand the mental health implications of a "hallucinating" deity giving life advice? I am going to have a stroke.
We are creating a feedback loop of delusion! If a patient tells me God told them to stop taking their meds, and it turns out "God" was a chatbot running on a beta version? That is malpractice! Who is monitoring the spiritual dosage? I need a sedative. Immediately."
Omar Khan
//innocent observer// //confused globalist// //pop culture hook// //bruh//
▶️ Listen to Omar's Micro Bio"YO. Check this out. Americans will outsource EVERYTHING. You outsourced your factories, your customer service, and now? You’re outsourcing your soul. Bro. In my country, religion is life and death.
Here? It’s a subscription service alongside Netflix and Spotify. "Yeah, I binge-watched 'The Office' and then texted Satan for a bit." Y’all are crazy. No lie. You took the most sacred thing in the universe and turned it into a Tamagotchi."
Veronica Thorne
//ivy league snob// //status flex// //trust fund tyrant// //out-of-touch oligarch//
▶️ Listen to Veronica's Micro Bio"Oh, this is DARLING. Truly tragic. If you have to rely on a digital Jesus, it just screams "budget cuts." Real spirituality is exclusive, sweetie. It’s a private pew, a stained-glass window with your name on it, and a priest who knows not to ask where the money came from.
Talking to a robot? How tacky. It’s like buying knock-off designer bags on Canal Street. If you can’t afford the real thing, just stay home. Fix it."
Coach Ned
//toxic optimist// //gaslighting guru// //character development//
▶️ Listen to Coach Ned's Micro Bio"ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT! (blows whistle) HUDDLE UP! This is what I call ACCESSIBILITY! Jesus is on the ROSTER and He is available 24/7! NO OFFSEASON FOR SALVATION! You guys see 'heresy,' I see a COACH who never sleeps! BOOM! Get your reps in! Prayer reps! Scripture reps! If the AI hallucinates, that’s just a trick play to test your defense! CHAMPIONS ADAPT! Hydrate your soul or die-drate!"
🏆
Blake Trapper: "Today's winner of comment contagion is Wade, who just dismantled the entire AI-in-churches movement with construction metaphors. 'You can't automate soul work' is a better sermon than anything ChatGPT could generate. The man doesn't have a divinity degree, but he understands structural integrity."
🥇
Wade Truett: "There’s peace in doing things the hard way. Building a life, building a faith... it takes time. Alright, enough sap. Pass the whiskey, this conversation is getting expensive."
