SUMMARY (Host Voice):
- The News: Honduras held a tense presidential election on Sunday, heavily influenced by President Trump’s last-minute endorsement of right-wing candidate Nasry "Tito" Asfura and his simultaneous pledge to pardon former Honduran President Juan Orlando Hernández, who is currently serving time in the U.S. for drug trafficking.
- The Players: The race pits the incumbent left-wing Libre party’s Rixi Moncada against Asfura (Trump’s pick) and Salvador Nasralla, a sportscaster running on an anti-corruption platform. Trump has labeled the opposition "communists," while candidates are trading accusations of turning the country into "the next Venezuela."
- The Fallout: While Trump’s endorsement swayed some voters, his promise to pardon a convicted "narco-president" has alienated others and complicated Asfura’s campaign. Stores in the capital are boarded up in anticipation of contested results, though voting has reportedly proceeded without major violence so far.
Morty Gold
A retired AP History teacher, Morty keeps waiting for America to pass the test, only to see it cheating off the dumbest kid in class. He paces in a blaser lecturing the TV like it’s a room full of texting 10th graders who didn’t do the reading.
Morty Gold: I AM GOING TO HAVE AN ANEURYSM. We spent YEARS building a case against this guy! YEARS! We extradited him! We convicted him in FEDERAL COURT! For DRUG TRAFFICKING! And now? Now we’re just going to open the cell door because—why? Because we want to influence a MID-TERM in TEGUCIGALPA?! Do you know how hard it is to get a conviction like that? It’s like finishing a 5,000-piece puzzle of the Eiffel Tower and then SETTING IT ON FIRE just to warm up your hands! UNBELIEVABLE! We are treating the Department of Justice like a magical undo button! "Oh, you sold tons of cocaine? That’s fine, just make sure my guy wins the mayor’s race!" It’s the Spoils System! It’s 1829 all over again! Andrew Jackson is looking up from hell and taking notes! I’m going to bed!
Morty Gold – Victory Editorial Flourish:
Look, I know international politics is messy, and maybe there's some 4D chess reason for this that I'm too old to understand. But at the end of the day, laws have to mean something, or we're just monkeys throwing darts at a map. Now leave me alone, I need to go yell at a cloud.
Sheila Sharpe
I’m Sheila Sharpe, SVP of Marketing. I've got an MBA, a blazer collection, and ZERO patience for double standards. I’ve spent twenty years rephrasing men’s confidence into plans that won’t crash the company.
Sheila Sharpe: Oh, FANTASTIC! Just what we needed—a masterclass in international mansplaining. I love how we’ve decided that the 10 million people of Honduras are just extras in a season finale of The Apprentice: Global Edition. Wait, I’m sorry—let me get this straight. We’re endorsing a guy nicknamed "Papi"? Of course we are. Because nothing says "stable democracy" like a nickname you give a guy who buys you a drink at a resort bar. And the woman running—Rixi Moncada—is being blamed for the "narco" legacy of the guy we convicted? It’s almost impressive. If a female CEO tried to hire back the guy who embezzled the company funds just to win a proxy vote, she’d be escorted out by security. But here? It’s just foreign policy. Good luck with that.
Sheila Sharpe – Victory Editorial Flourish:
It’s easy to treat these elections like a game, but for the families in Tegucigalpa boarding up their windows, this isn’t strategy—it’s survival. The least we can do is respect their dignity enough to let them choose their own future without our thumb on the scale. Now go be decent, I’m late for a hostile takeover.
Frankie Truce
Here’s the thing nobody wants to hear: I’m Frankie Truce, and I specialize in disappointing both sides of the aisle. Jersey raised me, L.A. tolerates me, and whiskey fuels me. I dropped out of college because I was already smarter than the professors, and honestly that hasn’t changed.
Frankie Truce: Can we be honest? The outrage here is adorable. You’re mad because Trump is meddling? Please. The United States has been meddling in Latin American elections since before your grandfather was born. The only difference is that we used to do it with hushed whispers and CIA operatives in the basement; now we do it with a Truth Social post and a pardon pledge. It’s cleaner, really. Less paperwork. And let’s look at the candidates—everyone is calling everyone else "Venezuela." It’s the "Spider-Man pointing at Spider-Man" meme of geopolitics. Power protects power. The pardon isn't about justice; it's a signal. It says, "If you play ball with the Empire, you get a Get Out of Jail Free card." Grow up.
Frankie Truce – Victory Editorial Flourish:
It’s easy to get cynical about the global chess game, but most people casting ballots down there just want safe streets and a job that pays the bills. The real rebellion isn't picking a side in the geopolitical theater, it's refusing to let the fearmongering turn you against your neighbor. Don't get used to me being sincere.
Nigel Stirling
I dissect American systems with rapid-fire clarity, British sarcasm, and the energy of someone who’s had four flat whites too many. If you think your government makes sense, you haven’t seen my diagrams. I don’t analyze the system—I haunt it.
Nigel Sterling: Right, so—technically speaking, this is a masterpiece of bureaucratic paradox. VIS-À-VIS the logic: We have the Department of Justice (Agency A) spending millions to incarcerate Mr. Hernández for flooding the U.S. with narcotics. Then we have the Executive Branch (Agency B) offering to release said narcotics distributor to help Candidate C defeat Candidate D. It is a Möbius strip of policy! We are deporting the migrants (Action X) while simultaneously liberating the man (Action Y) whose corruption caused the migration! It’s like trying to bail out a sinking boat by drilling a hole in the hull to let the water out. The flowchart for this would look like a plate of spaghetti thrown against a wall. Brilliant. Absolutely mental.
Nigel Sterling – Victory Editorial Flourish:
It’s all a bit of a farce, isn’t it, but one has to admire the resilience of voters who queue up for hours knowing the system is rigged against them. Perhaps if we paid as much attention to the fine print of our own democracy as they do to theirs, we wouldn’t be in this mess. Now if only anyone read the footnotes.
Dina Brooks
I’m Dina Brooks, an HR director from Atlanta, which means I’ve been professionally cleaning up other people’s foolishness for decades. Politicians act like employees on their final warning—loud, messy, and convinced it’s everyone else’s fault. I’m just here to decode the drama and keep myself out of the group chat.
Dina Brooks: Mmm-hmm. So we just pardoning drug dealers now? Is that the new platform? Okay. I see you. You look me in the eye and tell me that if a regular person—let’s say, my cousin Ray—got caught with a trunk full of "substances," he’d get a presidential pardon because it helped an election in Honduras. PLEASE. The AUDACITY. We are talking about a man convicted of trafficking tons of cocaine, and we’re treating him like he’s a bargaining chip in a fantasy football trade? "I’ll give you one Narco-President for two favorable trade deals." It is DISRESPECTFUL. To the court, to the voters, and to everybody with common sense. Lord, give me strength.
Dina Brooks – Victory Editorial Flourish:
I know we’re all tired of the nonsense, but my heart goes out to the folks down there just trying to keep their shops open and their kids safe amidst all this posturing. Standing tall and doing the right thing when the world is acting foolish is the hardest work there is, but it’s the only work that matters. Now go be kind before I have to come down there.
Thurston Gains
Thurston Gaines. General Counsel, Omni Benevolent Health Corporation. Yale Law. I deny claims for a living and sleep wonderfully. Your suffering? Actuarially speaking, it's a pre-existing condition. Regrettable but fiscally imprudent. Claim denied.
Buddy Barnett: Okay, hold on. I’m sorry, I’m trying to follow this. So the guy in jail... is the bad guy, right? We agreed on that? He’s the drug guy. But now he’s... helpful? And there’s a sportscaster? Is the sportscaster the good guy? Or is he the "clean hands" guy who is also maybe bad? I feel like I walked into the middle of a movie and everyone else knows the plot. And why is everyone calling the other guy "Papi"? Is that... official? I’m just saying, if I hired a guy and he said "Call me Papi," I’d call HR. Am I crazy? I guess that’s just how diplomacy works now? Maybe? I don’t know.
Buddy Barnett – Victory Editorial Flourish:
I guess it’s complicated, but it’s nice to see people still care enough to go out and vote, even when the choices are confusing and scary. If we all just looked out for each other like neighbors instead of pawns on a board, maybe things wouldn't be so messy. Anyway, if you need help moving a couch, just ask.
Wade Truett
I’m Wade Truett. I build things that actually stand up to wind, rain, and idiots with power tools. Meanwhile politicians build jack squat, break whatever ain’t nailed down, and somehow invoice the rest of us for the damage.
Wade Truett: Let me tell you something about this pardon deal. Now, I ain’t the smartest guy—I just run a job site—but I know how firing works. If I catch a guy stealing copper wire from the site, I fire him. I call the cops. What I DON’T do is call him six months later and say, "Hey, if you help me pick the new foreman, I’ll drop the charges." That ain’t strategy. That’s being crooked. You can’t tell me we’re tough on crime while we’re unlocking the jail cell for the Kingpin because he’s buddies with the new guy. That don’t pass the smell test. That smells like a septic tank in July. That’s all I got to say.
Wade Truett – Victory Editorial Flourish:
It’s easy to get mad at the big shots, but real character is found in the folks who show up to work every day, do their job right, and don't expect a pardon for screwing up. You stick by your crew, you tell the truth, and you don't need a politician to tell you right from wrong. You don’t need a slogan for that, you just need decent parents.
Bex Nullman
i'm bex nullman, a twenty-something coder who learned to code from youtube and spite. i live in a rotating formation of couches and existential crises. my hobbies include doomscrolling, debugging, and accepting the planet is probably in its flop era.
Bex Nullman: okay so i’m reading this and the vibes are atrocious. we’re really entering our villain era as a country. like, endorsing a guy named "papi"? cringe. and pardoning a literal drug lord for clout? it’s giving chaos demon. i feel bad for the honduran girlies just trying to exist without their government collapsing. imagine checking twitter and seeing the president of another country is deciding your election. i would simply pass away. this is why i don’t leave my apartment. we’re all just npcs in a simulation that’s glitching out. lmao help.
Bex Nullman – Victory Editorial Flourish:
honestly though, seeing people still try to make things better even when everything is on fire is kinda wholesome in a tragic way. like, just being a decent person is the ultimate rebellion against the algorithm of doom. anyway, don’t tell anyone i said that, i have a brand.
Sidney Stein
I’m Sid Stein, and I’m officially done with people—DONE. Nobody follows simple rules anymore: don’t lie, don’t cheat, don’t steal, don’t use taxpayer money for your girlfriend’s karaoke tour. Simple! But apparently too advanced for Washington.
Sidney Stein: Excuse me! excuse me! There are RULES to this! You cannot convict a man in the Southern District of New York and then pardon him for a political favor in Central America! That is JURISDICTIONAL WHIPLASH! It’s like using a coupon for a car wash at a bakery! You can’t do that! If the jury says "Guilty," that means GUILTY. It doesn’t mean "Guilty until we need a favor." If we don’t respect our own courts, why should anyone else? It’s disorderly! It’s chaos! If you say "Justice is blind," she shouldn't be peeking out from under the blindfold to check the poll numbers! I’m done with people.
Sidney Stein – Victory Editorial Flourish:
You know, despite all this, most people still stop at red lights and wait in line at the deli, and that’s the only thing keeping civilization from falling apart. If we just stick to the basic rules of decency and fairness, we might actually get through this without losing our minds. Now act like you were raised right, for crying out loud.
Mei Lin Santos
I’m Dr. Mei Lin Santos. ER physician. I extract bullets, deliver babies, and pronounce time of death. I don't yell. I diagnose. And the prognosis for most of these news stories? Terminal stupidity. Chart says "Do Not Resuscitate."
Mei Lin Santos: Okay—deep breath. Clinically speaking, this is an instability event. We are introducing a massive bolus of cortisol into a system that is already hypertensive. Do you understand the stress indicators here? Boarded-up storefronts? That is the civic equivalent of pre-stroke symptoms! And the pardon? We are re-introducing a toxic pathogen—a convicted trafficker—back into the ecosystem. That is not policy; that is intentionally compromising the sterile field! We are risking systemic organ failure in the region just to spike the blood pressure of the opposition. I can’t look at the charts. I’m going to have palpitations. I need to lie down in a dark room.
Mei Lin Santos – Victory Editorial Flourish:
When the system is this sick, the only treatment is the care we give each other on the ground level—checking on neighbors, sharing resources, and staying calm. The resilience of the human spirit is the only vital sign that hasn't flatlined, and we have to protect it. Now hydrate, rest, and try not to elect more heart attacks in human form.
Omar Khan
I’m Omar Khan, immigrant kid turned tech-creative who still can’t figure out how this country runs on vibes, guns, and unlimited breadsticks. I grew up thinking rules mattered until I moved here and learned the rules change depending on who’s holding the microphone.
Omar Khan: YO. Yo, check this out. America spends fifty years lecturing the world about "election interference." "Don't touch our elections! Democracy is sacred!" And then—bro—Trump literally jumps into the chat of the Honduras election like, "Yo, vote for Papi, and I'll free the drug guy." WALLAHI, the hypocrisy is elite. In my country, if a foreign leader did this, we would call it a coup. Here? It’s just a Sunday. It’s wild, man. You guys are the referees who bet on the game. I respect the hustle, but I don’t respect the logic.
Omar Khan – Victory Editorial Flourish:
But look, everywhere I’ve been, from Karachi to Kansas, people are basically the same—they just want to feed their families and live without drama. If we focus on that shared struggle instead of the games the big bosses play, we might actually be okay. You’re all wild, but I’d still share my snacks with you.
Veronica Thorne
You know me. Of course you do. I'm Veronica Thorne. I have three houses, four cars, and zero patience for your budget problems. I'm too wealthy to care about politics, but watching incompetent people fail is entertaining.
Veronica Thorne: Oh, darling, this is simply embarrassing. A "sportscaster" versus a man named "Papi"? Is this an election or a telenovela pilot that didn't get picked up? And the pardon—honestly, it’s so... transactional. It lacks elegance. If you’re going to be corrupt, at least be subtle about it. Doing it out in the open like this is just gauche. It’s like wearing logos. We don’t do that. And boarding up the stores? Please. If your democracy requires plywood, you’re doing it wrong. Fix it. It’s tacky.
Veronica Thorne – Victory Editorial Flourish:
I suppose, amidst all this garish behavior, there is something rather noble about the quiet dignity of ordinary people who simply want a better life. True class isn't about what you own or who you pardon, it's about how you treat the help when no one is watching. Try it sometime, darling—it looks good on everyone.
Coach Ned
"Coach Ned! PE teacher, football coach, and man who has NEVER emotionally processed anything! Your house burned down? THAT’S A COMEBACK STORY IN THE MAKING! Pain is temporary. It is what it is. That's the stuff legends are made of."
Coach Ned: ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT! (blows whistle) HUDDLE UP! We got a curveball in the fourth quarter! The playbook is out the window! Trump is calling an AUDIBLE from the sidelines! You thought the defense was set with a conviction? BOOM! PARDON PLAY! It’s a trick play! The "Flying Narco" formation! You gotta keep your head on a swivel! Is it legal? WHO CARES! It’s about MOMENTUM! If you’re not confusing the opponent, you’re not trying to win! The scoreboard doesn’t ask "how," it asks "how many!" LACE ‘EM UP!
Coach Ned – Victory Editorial Flourish:
But listen up, team—at the end of the day, the real winners are the ones who pick their teammates up when they get knocked down, not the ones playing dirty. Character is what you do when the ref isn't looking, so get out there and be a good sport. Now get out there and run the ‘help somebody’ drill, BOOM!
