Source: USA Today
- Department of Education Dismantling: The Trump administration has accelerated efforts to dismantle the Department of Education, slashing staff and transferring core functions—like the $1.6 trillion student loan portfolio and special education oversight—to agencies including the Small Business Administration, the Department of the Interior, and Labor.
- "Final Mission": Secretary Linda McMahon has described the shuttering of the agency as the staff’s "final mission," despite the fact that only Congress has the legal authority to abolish the department.
- "Genesis Mission" Launch: Simultaneously, President Trump signed an executive order launching the "Genesis Mission" to boost AI innovation using federal resources, comparing the initiative to the Manhattan Project and the Apollo Program.
- AI Energy Paradox: While the administration claims this AI push will eventually lower energy costs, critics note that the massive computing power required by AI data centers is currently straining the U.S. electric grid and driving prices up.
Trapper to Yappers Handoff: 👀 "The federal government is currently attempting a structural magic trick: making the Department of Education disappear by scattering its organs across Washington, sending student loans to the Small Business Administration and Indian education programs to the Department of the Interior. At the exact same moment, the White House has launched the "Genesis Mission," a Manhattan Project-style initiative to supercharge AI, promising that the technology which currently threatens to crash the energy grid will somehow eventually lower your electric bill. And now, because the alternative is screaming into a pillow, let's turn to our panel of thirteen distinct coping mechanisms. Please, dazzle me."
Morty Gold
//consummate curmudgeon// //cardigan rage// //petty grievances// //get off my lawn// //ex-new yorker//
▶️ Listen to Morty's Micro Bio"MANHATTAN PROJECT?! You want to compare this to the MANHATTAN PROJECT?! Oppenheimer was a THEORETICAL PHYSICIST! Chris Wright is a FRACKING CEO! That is like asking a PLUMBER to perform NEUROSURGERY because they both use PIPES! And 'GENESIS'?! You are not GOD!
You are a government bureaucracy trying to schedule a meeting! We've seen this! The Great Leap Forward! Lysenkoism! Politically convenient science! You cannot AUTOMATE discovery! 'Set it and forget it'?! This is SCIENCE, not a rotisserie CHICKEN! I need to sit down. My heart rate is up, and apparently, the AI doctor hasn't been programmed yet!"
Sheila Sharpe
//smiling assassin// //gender hypocrisy// //glass ceiling//
▶️ Listen to Sheila's Micro Bio"Oh, I love this. Truly. It’s the ultimate corporate pivot! Why pay thousands of pesky human scientists with their 'ethics' and 'need for food' when you can just build a shimmering digital dashboard? It’s the Pinterest-ification of federal research! 'Manifesting' nuclear fusion!
Look, sweetie, if I fired my entire marketing team and replaced them with a Chatbot that hallucinated ad campaigns, I’d be fired. But when men do it with national security? It’s a 'Genesis Mission.' Adorable. Good luck getting the robot to accept the blame when the power grid fails."
Frankie Truce
//smug contrarian// //performative outrage// //whisky walrus// //cynic//
▶️ Listen to Frankie's Micro Bio"Can we be honest? The AI is a distraction. You're looking at the shiny 'Genesis' logo and missing the hand in your pocket. This isn't about 'scientific breakthroughs.' It's about the contracts. Who builds the data centers? Who owns the 'foundation models'?
It’s a wealth transfer disguised as innovation. The 'Manhattan Project' comparison is accurate, actually—just not the way they think. It’s a bomb. It’s blowing up the public sector to scatter cash to the private sector. And you're all going to click 'agree' on the Terms of Service."
Nigel Sterling
//prince of paperwork// //pivot table perv// //beautiful idiots// //fine print// //spreadsheet stooge// //right then//
▶️ Listen to Nigel's Micro Bio"Right, so—let’s look at the timeline, shall we? Day 60: A LIST. Day 90: An INVENTORY. Day 240: Another INVENTORY. (Pause for effect). This is not a 'moonshot'; this is a syllabus for a class nobody is teaching! We are replacing the National Institutes of Health with a Spreadsheet of Expectations!
'Scientific Foundation Models'—what does that even MEAN? Technically speaking, you cannot train a model on data you have ceased funding the collection of! It’s a snake eating its own tail, but the snake is digital and the tail is our life expectancy. Brilliant bureaucracy. Just brilliant."
Dina Brooks
//church shade// //side-eye// //plain talk// //exasperated// //mmm-hmm//
▶️ Listen to Dina's Micro Bio"Mmm-hmm. So let me get this straight. We cutting the cancer research money... to buy a robot? That’s what we doing? Okay. Child, I have seen some foolishness, but this is 'buying a rim package for a car with no engine' levels of trifling.
You want 'set it and forget it' science? That’s called NEGLECT. You cannot automate a cure for diabetes, but you can sure as hell automate a disaster. The AUDACITY to call it 'Genesis.' Y'all better hope the Lord has a sense of humor."
Thurston Gains
//calm evil// //deductible denier// //greed is good// //land shark//
▶️ Listen to Thurston's Micro Bio"I must say, I find this initiative... fiscally refreshing. Human scientists are terribly inefficient assets. They require sleep, they demand 'living wages,' and they have these tedious ethical qualms about 'safety.' An AI doesn't need health insurance. An AI doesn't join a union.
If we can replace ten thousand biologists with one server farm, the savings on the benefits package alone will be exquisite. Who cares if the science is accurate? The shareholder value will be undeniable. Deny the grants, fund the bots. It's just good business."
Wade Truett
//working man's math// //redneck philosopher// //blue-collar truth//
▶️ Listen to Wade's Micro Bio"Let me tell you something. I use tools every day. If I fire my whole crew and buy a fancy new robotic arm, you know what happens? I go outta business. Cause a robot don't know when the wood is rotten. A robot don't know when the ground is soft.
You can't 'automate' knowing what you're doing. This fella Wright thinks he can just push a button and 'science' comes out? That ain't how it works. That's like buying a fish finder and expecting it to jump in the lake and filet the bass for you. Ain't gonna happen."
Bex Nullman
//web developer// //20-something// //doom coder// //lowercase//
▶️ Listen to Bex's Micro Bio"bestie this is literally the plot of every movie where humanity ends. 'genesis mission'? that is a villain name. period. we are cutting funding for climate change studies so an ai can... guess?
it’s giving 'let’s ask chatgpt how to fix the atmosphere.' i am disassociating. the robots are going to look at our data, realize we are the problem, and delete us. honestly? fair. slay, skynet. slay."
Sidney Stein
▶️ Listen to Sidney's Micro Bio"Excuse me! 'Within 240 days... shall review capabilities'?! That is NOT a plan! That is a plan to HAVE a plan! You cannot just declare 'Science will happen on Tuesday!' There are PROCEDURES! You cut the funding for the journals?
So where is the AI getting the information?! It's CHEATING! It's like copying off a blank test paper! If you want a Manhattan Project, you need SCIENTISTS, not a 'Task Force on Robot Inventories.' This is disorderly conduct on a federal level!"
Dr. Mei Lin Santos
//cortisol spiker// //logic flatlined// //diagnosis drama queen//
▶️ Listen to Mei Lin's Micro Bio"Okay. I can do this. Clinically speaking... this is a psychotic break. We are cutting $783 million in health research—actual, wet-lab research—to fund a 'hypothesis generator'? Do you understand what happens to a clinical trial when you 'automate' the safety checks? People die.
This isn't 'efficiency,' this is malpractice on a national scale. You cannot algorithm your way out of a pandemic! I am monitoring my own vitals right now because this level of stupidity is cardiotoxic. I need fluids."
Omar Khan
//innocent observer// //confused globalist// //pop culture hook// //bruh//
▶️ Listen to Omar's Micro Bio"So, check this out. 'Genesis Mission'? Bro, that sounds like a cult. In my country, when the leader announces a 'Mega Science Victory Project' while cutting the electricity budget, we know what time it is. It means the money is gone, bro!
You guys are firing the scientists to hire a server rack? No lie, that is hilarious. Tragically hilarious. America is just remixing Third World dictator moves and adding WiFi. Wild."
Veronica Thorne
//ivy league snob// //status flex// //trust fund tyrant// //out-of-touch oligarch//
▶️ Listen to Veronica's Micro Bio"Oh, darling, 'automated science'? How... pedestrian. It sounds like buying your clothes off the rack at Walmart. 'Set it and forget it' is for slow cookers, not national policy. I don't want discount robot medicine; I want bespoke, artisanal cures developed by people who went to schools I donated to. This whole thing smells like polyester and cost-cutting. Fix it. It’s tacky."
Coach Ned
//toxic optimist// //gaslighting guru// //character development//
▶️ Listen to Coach Ned's Micro Bio"HUDDLE UP! LISTEN TO ME! We are trimming the FAT! We are cutting the bench warmers—the 'scientists' with their 'peer reviews'—and we are drafting the MVP! The T-800! This is CHAMPIONSHIP MINDSET!
You think the Manhattan Project was built on 'caution'? NO! It was built on EXPLOSIONS! We are pivoting to a ROBOT OFFENSE! BOOM! If you're not automating, you're stagnating! Hydrate or die-drate, because the robots don't need water!"
🏆
Blake Trapper: "Dina takes it for calling AI research 'set it and forget it' science—which is the most devastating Ron Popeil callback I've heard. Our cancer research budget just got replaced by the policy equivalent of a Pocket Fisherman. It won't work, but at least it folds up for easy storage.
🥇
Dina Brooks: "At the end of the day, we take care of each other. That's what people do. We fill the gaps the system leaves behind. ...Lord, listen to me acting like a hallmark card. Don't y'all get used to this."
