- The Rebranding: The State Department has officially renamed the US Institute of Peace (USIP) headquarters the "Donald J. Trump Institute of Peace," adding his name in large block capitals just days before a scheduled Rwanda-DRC peace treaty signing at the venue.
- The Rationale: Officials justified the change by calling the President "the greatest dealmaker in our nation's history" and declaring him the "President of Peace," while a White House spokesperson posted, "Congratulations, world."
- The Conflict: The building is currently the subject of an ongoing legal battle following an "armed takeover" attempt by the Department of Government Efficiency (Doge) to fire staff; a federal judge ruled the takeover illegal, but the government retains control during the appeal process.
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Blake Trapper: "And now, because contractually I must, let's hear from our thirteen resident geniuses. Please keep your expectations low — it helps."
Morty Gold
"BLOCK LETTERS?! On a PEACE INSTITUTE?! You don't put your name on a diplomatic mission like it's a CASINO BUFFET! Do you know who does that?! CAESAR! And we know how that ended—lots of knives, very little peace! And now we have the 'Gulf of America'?! It is WATER! You cannot brand a body of water! What's next? The Clouds of Don Jr.?! This is Tammany Hall with a label maker! I'm going to bed!"
Sheila Sharpe
"Oh, fantastic! 'Congratulations, world'—you finally have a man's name on the concept of non-violence. Bless his heart. It is just so on-brand to fire the actual staff, lose a court case about it, and then paste your name on the door in gold letters like a dog marking a fire hydrant. If a female CEO renamed a building after herself while under federal investigation, she'd be in prison before lunch. But sure, 'President of Peace.' Good luck with that."
Frankie Truce
"Can we be honest? The name change is the most honest thing about this. You're upset because it's tacky, but the US Institute of Peace has always been a government arm—now it just admits who the boss is. The 'Department of War' rebrand? That's actually refreshing accuracy. Stop crying about the font choice and look at the machinery. Power doesn't care if you call it 'Peace' or 'Trump'—it operates the same way. Grow up."
Nigel Sterling
"Right, so—here is the bureaucratic absurdity of it all. We have a federal judge who ruled the government's takeover was ILLEGAL, yet due to a stay pending appeal, they are technically squatting in the building. And while SQUATTING, they have procured the budget to install 'large block capitals' on the facade? Do you know the procurement cycle for exterior signage? It takes months! They are rebranding a crime scene while the police are still outside! It is structurally fascinating and completely mental."
Dina Brooks
"Mmm-hmm. So we're just renaming the Gulf of Mexico now? The 'Gulf of America'? Child, the water does not care. You can call it the Gulf of Delusion for all I care, it's still gonna be wet. And putting his face on a $500 bill? Who uses a $500 bill? Drug dealers and people hiding assets from their ex-wives. The AUDACITY to be this loud and wrong at the same time. Lord, give me strength."
Thurston Gains
"From a fiduciary standpoint, I question the value proposition. 'Peace' is notoriously bad for shareholder value—defense contractors hate it. However, acquiring the naming rights to a federal building for the cost of a few block letters? That is efficient leverage. Though I must say, renaming the Department of Defense to the 'Department of War' is excellent for insurance premiums. We can hike rates for 'Acts of War' much easier than 'Defense.' Technically, I approve."
Wade Truett
"Let me tell you something. I run a construction crew. If I take over a job site that a judge told me I ain't supposed to be on, and the first thing I do is paint my name on the front gate? That ain't 'branding.' That's trespassing. And renaming Denali back to McKinley? That mountain don't care what some politician calls it. You can write your name on the outhouse, buddy, but it doesn't make it a palace. That's all I got to say."
Bex Nullman
"okay so it's giving succession but the temu version. 'congratulations world'? bestie, read the room. the vibe is literally apocalyptic. renaming the department of defense to the department of war is sort of a slay for honesty i guess? but putting your name on a building while you're being sued for stealing it is peak toxic ex behavior. i'm dissociating. wake me up when the simulation reboots."
Sidney Stein
"Excuse me! Technically, the website says it is an 'independent, nonpartisan institute.' If it is INDEPENDENT, you cannot name it after the sitting President! That is a CONTRADICTION IN TERMS! And the judge issued a stay! A stay preserves the status quo! Installing signage is a MATERIAL ALTERATION of the premises! It's not just tacky, it is PROCEDURALLY INCORRECT! We have rules for a reason!"
Mei Lin Santos
"Okay—deep breath. The 'Department of War'? Do you understand what that shift in terminology does to the collective cortisol levels of a nation? Words are stressors! And cutting staff at a peace institute to replace them with political appointees? That is removing the immune system from the organism! We are inducing systemic organ failure and slapping a gold sticker on the forehead that says 'Perfect Health.' I need to check my blood pressure."
Omar Khan
"Yo, check this out. In my parents' country, the guy in charge puts his face on the money, names the airport after himself, and renames the geography. America spent fifty years telling us that was 'dictator behavior.' Now you guys are doing the Gulf of America and the $500 bill? Bro. You are literally becoming the country you told us not to be. It's wild. I love you, but you're crazy."
Veronica Thorne
"Oh, darling, this is tragic. Block capitals? On a stone facade? It’s so... new money. If you have to write your name on the building in giant letters, it usually means the bank actually owns it. Real power is invisible, sweetie. This just screams 'I need validation.' And renaming the airport? Please. As long as the private terminal is open, I don't care what you call the peasant runway. Fix the font, it's embarrassing."
Coach Ned
"BOOM! (blows whistle) HUDDLE UP! This is what we call OFFENSIVE COORDINATION! You don't wait for the history books, you WRITE THEM IN SHARPIE! You take the building, you put your name on the jersey, and you rename the OCEAN if you have to! Gulf of America?! THAT IS HOME FIELD ADVANTAGE, BABY! Winners don't defend, winners DECLARE WAR! Literally! Department of War! HYDRATE OR DIE-DRATE!"
Pundits Roasting on an Open Fire
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Omar points out we've become the exact stereotype we lecture other countries about. It hurts because it's true. And Coach Ned thinks renaming the ocean is "home field advantage." Precisely why we don't let gym teachers draft foreign policy. But today's winner of absolute absurdium is Sheila for pointing out most men are dogs (minus the emotional intelligence).
Sheila Sharpe
I’m Sheila Sharpe, SVP of Marketing. I've got an MBA, a blazer collection, and ZERO patience for double standards. I’ve spent twenty years rephrasing men’s confidence into plans that won’t crash the company.
There is something powerful about women refusing to let their work be erased by ego, and that solidarity is actually quite... ugh, gross. Did I just express vulnerability? Disregard.