SUMMARY (Host Voice):
- The Setup: David Sacks, a venture capitalist appointed as the Trump administration’s "AI and Crypto Czar," is actively shaping federal policy while retaining over 700 tech investments, including 449 linked to AI.
- The Loophole: Sacks is designated a "Special Government Employee," a status that allows him to bypass standard divestment rules; he has received ethics waivers to keep stakes in companies that directly benefit from his regulatory pushes, such as the removal of export bans on Nvidia chips.
- The Side Hustle: Sacks has used his White House access to elevate his "All-In" podcast—even attempting to have the podcast exclusively host an official presidential AI summit—and to promote his business associates, effectively blurring the line between public service and private portfolio management.
- The Fallout: While the White House claims he has recused himself where necessary, critics and even some internal staff argue he is running a "technocratic oligarchy" from the West Wing, steering government contracts and foreign deals to firms he and his friends own.
Morty Gold
A retired AP History teacher, Morty keeps waiting for America to pass the test, only to see it cheating off the dumbest kid in class. He paces in a blaser lecturing the TV like it’s a room full of texting 10th graders who didn’t do the reading.
Morty Gold: "A 'SPECIAL' GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEE?! Are you KIDDING me with this language?! That sounds like the title you give a toddler who helps you push the vacuum cleaner! We used to have words for people who used public office to line their pockets—we called them CROOKS! We called them TEAPOT DOME! But now? Now it's just 'Synergy'!
He’s writing the laws for the companies he OWNS! That’s not a conflict of interest; that’s just stealing with a fountain pen! It’s like letting the fox guard the henhouse, but the fox also OWNS the henhouse, and he’s selling the eggs to China, and he has a PODCAST about how delicious the chickens are! UNBELIEVABLE! 708 investments?! I can’t even keep track of my grandson’s birthday, and this guy is juggling the entire NASDAQ from the Situation Room! We have officially replaced the Constitution with a Term Sheet! I’m going to bed!"
Morty Gold – Victory Editorial Flourish:
Look, I know most people go to work every day just trying to do a good job and earn an honest paycheck without cheating anyone. It matters that we still believe a public servant should serve the public, not their own stock portfolio. Now leave me alone, I have to go yell at a cloud about the price of stamps.
Sheila Sharpe
I’m Sheila Sharpe, SVP of Marketing. I've got an MBA, a blazer collection, and ZERO patience for double standards. I’ve spent twenty years rephrasing men’s confidence into plans that won’t crash the company.
Sheila Sharpe: "Oh, FANTASTIC! Truly, just inspiring stuff. I love how we've decided that the executive branch is just a WeWork with nuclear codes. Let’s unpack this 'Moonlighting' situation, shall we? If a female cabinet member used her office to sell her line of organic jams, she would be impeached before breakfast. She would be on the cover of Time as the face of corruption.
But when David Sacks turns the White House into a merch table for his 'All-In' podcast tequila—yes, TEQUILA—it’s just 'smart business.' It’s 'disruption.' Sweetie, please. This isn’t innovation; it’s a frat house takeover. He’s not serving the country; he’s doing a hostile takeover of the taxpayer. And the best part? We’re paying for the electricity while he records his little show. Good luck getting a refund on that subscription, America."
Sheila Sharpe – Victory Editorial Flourish:
I have to believe that most women out there are working twice as hard for half the recognition, and doing it with integrity because they know the world is watching. Using your power to actually help people who can't do anything for you is the ultimate flex, and it never goes out of style. Now go be decent, I’m late for a board meeting where I plan to actually follow the rules.
|
Frankie Truce
Here’s the thing nobody wants to hear: I’m Frankie Truce, and I specialize in disappointing both sides of the aisle. Jersey raised me, L.A. tolerates me, and whiskey fuels me. I dropped out of college because I was already smarter than the professors, and honestly that hasn’t changed.
Frankie Truce: "Can we be honest? You’re not mad that he’s doing it. You’re mad because he’s so brazen about it. This is the game. It’s always been the game. Cheney had Halliburton; Sacks has Nvidia. The only difference is the Wi-Fi speed.
Stop clutching your pearls. The man is a Venture Capitalist. His job is to turn money into more money. Did you think he stepped into the White House and suddenly decided to become Mother Teresa? He’s optimizing his portfolio. That’s what they do. The problem isn’t David Sacks; the problem is that you keep voting for people who treat the federal budget like a Series A funding round. The system is working exactly as designed. Deal with it."
Frankie Truce – Victory Editorial Flourish:
Look, despite the grift, I know most of you aren't trying to game the system every time you walk out the door. Real integrity is usually quiet, boring, and pays absolutely nothing, which is why it's the only thing worth respecting. Don’t get used to me being sincere, it ruins my brand.
Nigel Stirling
I dissect American systems with rapid-fire clarity, British sarcasm, and the energy of someone who’s had four flat whites too many. If you think your government makes sense, you haven’t seen my diagrams. I don’t analyze the system—I haunt it.
Nigel Sterling: "Right, so—let’s look at the paperwork, shall we? Because this is absolutely BRILLIANT in its horror. He is a 'Special Government Employee.' Vis-à-vis, he is a volunteer. But! He has a waiver. A waiver that says, 'Yes, you own 449 AI companies, and yes, you are writing the AI rules, but we trust you.'
It is a Mobius strip of corruption! He writes a policy to uncork chip sales to the UAE. Nvidia stock goes up. His portfolio goes up. He smiles. It’s a perpetual motion machine of graft! He’s effectively short-selling national security! If you put this on a graph, the X-axis is 'Public Trust' and the Y-axis is 'Tequila Sales,' and the line is just going STRAIGHT INTO HELL. Technically speaking, it’s a masterpiece."
Nigel Sterling – Victory Editorial Flourish:
When you actually understand how these systems are rigged, it makes the simple act of being an honest citizen feel like a radical rebellion. We have to keep reading the fine print and asking the hard questions, because nobody else is going to do it for us. Now if only anyone read the footnotes, we might actually survive this.
Dina Brooks
I’m Dina Brooks, an HR director from Atlanta, which means I’ve been professionally cleaning up other people’s foolishness for decades. Politicians act like employees on their final warning—loud, messy, and convinced it’s everyone else’s fault. I’m just here to decode the drama and keep myself out of the group chat.
Dina Brooks: "Mmm-hmm. So we selling tickets now? We selling tickets to the White House like it’s a Beyoncé concert? 'All-In' podcast summit? Lord have mercy.
I see you, David. I see exactly what you’re doing. You got your feet up on the Resolute Desk, checking your Robinhood app. The AUDACITY. You know, back in my day, we called this 'conflict of interest.' Now y'all call it 'networking.' It is TRIFLING. You are supposed to be working for the people, not working on your subscriber count! And selling tequila? From the executive branch? Child, that is tacky. That is dollar-store behavior in a bespoke suit. I am too old for this nonsense."
Dina Brooks – Victory Editorial Flourish:
I know there are good people out there who wouldn't dream of taking a dime that didn't belong to them, people who just want to do right by their neighbors. We have to hold on to that, to the idea that character still counts for something in this world. Now go be kind before I have to come down there.
Thurston Gains
Thurston Gaines. General Counsel, Omni Benevolent Health Corporation. Yale Law. I deny claims for a living and sleep wonderfully. Your suffering? Actuarially speaking, it's a pre-existing condition. Regrettable but fiscally imprudent. Claim denied.
Thurston Gains: "Okay, hold on. I’m sorry, I’m confused. He’s a 'volunteer'? Like... like a crossing guard? But he makes billions of dollars from the things he decides?
How does that work? If I volunteered to be the treasurer of the PTA, and then I used the PTA money to buy a bouncy castle company that I owned, and then I rented the bouncy castle back to the school... I’d go to jail, right? I feel like I’d go to jail. Am I missing something here? Is there a form I forgot to fill out where I can just... do whatever I want? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills. Why is nobody else confused by this?"
Thurston Gains – Victory Editorial Flourish:
I guess I still believe that most folks would rather help a neighbor move a couch for free than trick them out of five bucks. Maybe if we just treated the country like a real community instead of a business opportunity, things wouldn't be so weird. Anyway, if you need help with that couch, just ask.
Wade Truett
I’m Wade Truett. I build things that actually stand up to wind, rain, and idiots with power tools. Meanwhile politicians build jack squat, break whatever ain’t nailed down, and somehow invoice the rest of us for the damage.
Wade Truett: "Let me tell you something. I’ve been in construction a long time. And if I was the guy pouring the concrete, AND the guy selling the concrete, AND the building inspector signing off on the concrete... that building is gonna fall down.
That ain't 'efficiency,' folks. That’s a scam. This fella Sacks is signing his own permission slips. He’s sending American chips to China so his stock goes up, and he’s telling you it’s for 'national security.' That’s like me telling you I need to drink this twelve-pack for 'hydration.' It don’t make no sense. In the real world, you get fired for that. In Washington? You get a podcast sponsor. Must be nice."
Wade Truett – Victory Editorial Flourish:
Where I come from, a man’s word is his bond, and you don't use your friends to get ahead, you use your hands to get the job done. Doing the right thing when nobody's looking is the only kind of success that lets you sleep soundly at night. You don’t need a slogan for that, you just need decent parents.
Bex Nullman
i'm bex nullman, a twenty-something coder who learned to code from youtube and spite. i live in a rotating formation of couches and existential crises. my hobbies include doomscrolling, debugging, and accepting the planet is probably in its flop era.
Bex Nullman: "okay so i'm reading this and i'm literally disassociating. we have a 'crypto czar' now? that sounds like a batman villain written by chatgpt.
and he's hosting his podcast from the white house? it's giving 'influencer apology video' but with nuclear codes. i can't. i simply cannot. we are governed by a linkedin feed. he's treating the federal government like a side hustle. 'sorry i can't fix the economy bestie, i have to record an ad read for athletic greens.' we are so cooked. i'm going to go stare at the wall for four hours."
Bex Nullman – Victory Editorial Flourish:
even though everything is on fire, i know people are still out there being iconic and helping each other without posting about it. being genuinely kind is the only thing that isn't cringe anymore. anyway, don't tell anyone i said that, i have a brand to maintain.
Sidney Stein
I’m Sid Stein, and I’m officially done with people—DONE. Nobody follows simple rules anymore: don’t lie, don’t cheat, don’t steal, don’t use taxpayer money for your girlfriend’s karaoke tour. Simple! But apparently too advanced for Washington.
Sidney Stein: "A WAIVER?! You can't just have a WAIVER for ethics! That's not how rules work! That's like driving 100 miles an hour through a school zone and showing the cop a note from your mom!
'Oh, it's okay officer, I have a waiver that says I can endanger children because I'm in a hurry!' NO! You either work for the government OR you work for Silicon Valley! You can't do BOTH! You can't be the pitcher AND the umpire! It’s against the rules of the game! It’s unfair! It’s DISORDERLY! If I tried to claim my cat as a dependent, the IRS would audit me back to the Stone Age, but this guy can hide 400 AI companies in his couch cushions?! I'm done!"
Sidney Stein – Victory Editorial Flourish:
I have to believe that most of us still know the difference between right and wrong, and that we wouldn't cut the line just because we could get away with it. Following the rules—the real rules of decency and fairness—is the glue holding this whole society together. Now act like you were raised right, for crying out loud.
Mei Lin Santos
I’m Dr. Mei Lin Santos. ER physician. I extract bullets, deliver babies, and pronounce time of death. I don't yell. I diagnose. And the prognosis for most of these news stories? Terminal stupidity. Chart says "Do Not Resuscitate."
Mei Lin Santos: "Okay—deep breath. Clinically speaking, this is what we call systemic organ failure. The regulatory body is no longer filtering toxins; it is actively injecting them into the bloodstream.
This isn't just a conflict of interest; this is an autoimmune disorder. He is the virus AND the doctor. He’s prescribing medication that he sells. Do you understand how dangerous that is? If I prescribed a drug because I owned stock in the pharmaceutical company, I would lose my license. Immediately. But he’s doing it with national defense? With AI? We are bypassing the blood-brain barrier of democracy. This is sepsis. I need to order a toxic screen for the entire executive branch. I am going to have a stroke."
Mei Lin Santos – Victory Editorial Flourish:
In the hospital, it doesn't matter who you are or what you own; we take care of you because you're a human being who needs help. That instinct to care for one another is the vital sign that proves we're still alive as a society. Now hydrate, rest, and try not to elect more heart attacks in human form.
Omar Khan
I’m Omar Khan, immigrant kid turned tech-creative who still can’t figure out how this country runs on vibes, guns, and unlimited breadsticks. I grew up thinking rules mattered until I moved here and learned the rules change depending on who’s holding the microphone.
Omar Khan: "Yo, check this out. Americans are hilarious. You guys spend all day lecturing the rest of the world about 'corruption.' But when my cousin gets a government job in Pakistan and hires his brother, you call it 'nepotism.' When David Sacks does it? You call it a 'Pivot'!
This dude is literally selling tickets to the White House like it’s a nightclub! 'Yo, VIP table in the Oval Office, bottle service by the Treasury Secretary!' In my country, we at least have the decency to be ashamed of it. You guys put it on a podcast! Wallahi, you have legalized bribery and gave it a subscribe button. Respect the hustle, I guess? But you guys are crazy."
Omar Khan – Victory Editorial Flourish:
No matter where you go in the world, most people just want to feed their families and live in peace without getting ripped off by the guys in charge. Small acts of kindness—sharing a meal, giving a ride—are the universal language that cuts through all this noise. You’re all wild, but I’d still share my snacks with you.
Veronica Thorne
You know me. Of course you do. I'm Veronica Thorne. I have three houses, four cars, and zero patience for your budget problems. I'm too wealthy to care about politics, but watching incompetent people fail is entertaining.
Veronica Thorne: "Oh, darling, it’s just so... tacky. Isn’t it? I mean, really. If you have to use the White House to pump your investment portfolio, you aren’t actually wealthy. You’re just 'new money' scrambling for crumbs.
Real power doesn't need a waiver, sweetie. And selling branded tequila? How pedestrian. It smells of desperation and cheap agave. It’s not illegal? Perhaps. But it is embarrassing. He’s treating the presidency like an Airbnb he’s trying to flip. Fix it. It’s ruining the aesthetic of the West Wing."
Veronica Thorne – Victory Editorial Flourish:
I suppose I must admit that the only true class comes from how you treat people who can do absolutely nothing for you. Protecting the vulnerable without asking for applause is the only luxury item that money simply cannot buy. Try it sometime, darling—it looks good on everyone.
Coach Ned
"Coach Ned! PE teacher, football coach, and man who has NEVER emotionally processed anything! Your house burned down? THAT’S A COMEBACK STORY IN THE MAKING! Pain is temporary. It is what it is. That's the stuff legends are made of."
Coach Ned: "HUDDLE UP! LISTEN TO ME! You see corruption? I SEE SYNERGY! BOOM! David Sacks is playing OFFENSE AND DEFENSE at the same time! That is Total Football, baby!
Why just coach the team when you can OWN the stadium, SELL the hot dogs, and REFEREE the game?! That is a CHAMPIONSHIP MINDSET! He’s not waiting for the market to move; he’s MOVING the goalposts! Is it fair? WHO CARES! The scoreboard says 'BILLIONS'! If you aren't leveraging federal policy to pump your crypto bags, YOU ARE SITTING ON THE BENCH! Get your head in the game! HUSTLE!"
Coach Ned – Victory Editorial Flourish:
But listen up—real champions know that the team is more important than the stats, and lifting your teammate up is the only play that matters in the long run. Being a decent person is the one drill you never stop running, day in and day out. Now get out there and run the ‘help somebody’ drill, BOOM!
